GPTs: Generational Poverty and Traumas
2023 was losing my grandfather, reflecting on his life and what I learnt from him.
My grandfather
28 years and 6 months. That’s 40% of an Indian male’s expected time on earth. Given that the avg. life expectancy is 72. I am 60 days away from said 40% completion. This year, the last of my grandparents reached 100%. On February 28th, I received a Facetime from my mother, while on a virutal meeting at work. I was on mute, with a straight face I answered the phone, to see her crying and my grandfather lying on the bed next to her. I could not even respond and had to talk to chime in the meeting about something I don’t even remember now. I called her back after 25 minutes. I had nothing to say. We just nodded and from 7000 miles away and I bid farewell to him.This was the day something in me changed, knowing that my father is the only other male figure alive.
Amar Lal Dua was born in the greater Multan region, now part of Punjab, Pakistan. Shortly after his birth, his mom passed away. His father married his aunt (mom’s younger sister) and had 6 other kids. I don’t understand how this would have impacted him mentally but physically he was the only dark skinned child, in a family of fair-skinned punjabis in the 1940s. At the age of 7, Like million others, he had to board a train to the new India and run away from what now was to be Pakistan, accompanied by only by his grandmother. Their muslim neighbor at the time, gave a traditional roti to them in case he gets hungry. It was a big one, the size of rotis tells you whether you are eating a mughlai cuisine or hindu north indian cuisine. While getting on the train, he was picked up by a militant, as part of the partition violence but was saved by the roti. He held it up in his hand and said “meri musalaman ki roti”, (my muslim roti). Hearing this, the guy who had attacked them at the train station left them alone and they boarded a train for Rajasthan.
He grew up in a village outside Alwar, Rajasthan. Moved to Delhi at the age of 16 looking for work, doing random jobs. Eventually became an inventory clerk for L&T construction. He married my grandmother and worked hard, learning everything he could about construction machinery. Over the years, he told me many stories of how learning about every part, in every machine and its associated costs and benefits helped him get promoted many times. His relentless pursuit of detail, allowed him to study in the evenings and obtain a bachelors, a masters and even a law degree! Over a span of 25 years, he had 3 kids, and became a general manager for L&T construction. All this, while, he had provided money and extended housing to his younger siblings so they could have a shot at the city life as well.
My mother recalls, one day he came back from work, informed his wife that he had quit his job. He wanted to be a lawyer at the age of 40 and asked his wife if he could. He left because was discriminated against by his boss, repeatedly and was too stubborn to suck it up anymore. An independent civil law practice in a Delhi court, was his way of working for himself. I asked him multiple times about this decision, “why you did not start a construction business? you knew a lot!” He disappointingly told me that he had attempted to, with his associates. He lost money and none of his brothers would come and work with him in a manner that he needed them to. It never worked out. Law was the way out for him to be working for himself, closest thing to being your own boss. Although, a major financial shock to his finances, with 3 children, a family of 5 are till date hard feed on an independent civil law practice in Delhi courts. He struggled, with my grandmother’s support, but with his eye for detail, he did make a name for himself.
Law is actually how he met his future son in law, my father. My dad was a young lawyer who was called on by my grandfather for help on a case. Dad did an exceptional job and was very helpful to my grandfather. Amar decided, this was it and eventually opened the opportunity to setup his eldest daughter (my mother) with this young lawyer that was sincere and helpful. In hindsight, my grandfather’s risk taking and stubbornness is the reason I exist today.
He taught me how to play chess, read newspapers, basics of science, politics and demonstrated everyday that rain or shine, you go to work! He always challenged my beliefs and assumptions, encouraged me to think critically and put value to skills only if one was building something or helping someone. His favorite story that he would repeat in the last few years to me was how he borrowed money to buy a house when he got married and the only piece of furniture he had was a cot when he started. The most important lesson he taught me was to be generous. I have never seen anyone as welcoming as him and his wife, generous to family and friends.
Poverty and Trauma
It took me years to learn of the struggles of my grandfather. I still don’t completely know what my dad struggled with and he doesn’t share as much but encourages me to move on from a fresh perspective. As I grew up, there were obvious signs of impact from my grandfather’s childhood circumstances, severe disagreements with his siblings that have not reconciled till date. There is part of my family that I do not even know of! Also, the circumstances instilled a particular lack of appreciation and understanding of wealth. When I left home for grad school in NYC, he said, don’t run after money it makes people corrupt. For someone with this belief, he made a revolutionary amount of money given that he started as a refugee. Despite giving up a lucrative corporate career, being the sole bread-winner for a family of 5 and doing tons of pro bono work as a lawyer, he was rich at the end of his life.
My only regret is, that he blamed money for a lot of the problems he saw in society and yet at the end of his life, he did not feel like he had enough. 4 days before he passed away, he called my father and handed him all the finances telling him “It’s your responsibility now”, within 2 days he was in the hospital, refused any treatment to and passed away within the 48 hours. I really wish to tell him that it is not that he lacked money but we all lacked his work ethic and courage. My mother and her sisters as a result have always saved a everything they could, in my opinion being penny wise - pound foolish.
I personally don’t think any wealth is evil, the restlessness around it makes it ugly. I am grateful that the a lack mindset associated with wealth that I can see passed down one generation (to my parents) is not necessarily in me the same way but maybe in different ones.
I just want to tell him, that he was one of the richest men around. Not because of what was in his bank but what was happening around him. Him and his wife had created a house with their generosity and dedication that grew families. Even with half his siblings estranged, his circumstances not friendly, he had love.
All I can do today is take the best of what he taught me, be detail oriented, never shy away from the grunt work and be there for your family as much as you can. On the other hand, I really believe money is just a means but true wealth is something he already believed in. Creating something, helping someone and being generous. The money will happen. Here’s to finding something worth creating that helps people and I can share generously! Farewell Nana. See you in your next!